“You’re so Vain”

When Coffee Rings and Carly Simon Collide: A Therapist's Musings

I am brushing off some old blogs from 2019!

There I was, watching the milk cloud my coffee, when Carly Simon's iconic lyrics drifted into my mind: "You're so vain, you probably think this song is about you." And just like that, I was transported back to my childhood, when this song first introduced me to the concept of irony.

The Song That Made My Mind "Hurt in a Good Way"

Supposedly, Carly Simon wrote "You're So Vain" about record label executive David Geffen, who, according to one article, promoted Joni Mitchell over Simon. Despite years of Simon coyly suggesting the song was about a conglomerate of lovers, this revelation points to a specific moment of professional disappointment.

As a child, I was fascinated by the clever wordplay: "I bet you think this song is about you" – when of course, the entire song was about someone! It was my first taste of irony, a delicious contradiction that made my mind stretch in new ways.

I vividly imagined the milk clouding coffee, despite never having seen my non-coffee-drinking parents perform this ritual. The lyrics painted such a vivid picture that I could see it all unfold in my imagination:

"You walked into the party like you were walking onto a yacht
Your hat strategically dipped below one eye
Your scarf it was apricot
You had one eye in the mirror as you watched yourself gavotte
And all the girls dreamed that they'd be your partner"

From Coffee Rings to Deep Thoughts

Today, after finishing my coffee, I decided to paint around the ring it left in my art journal – and suddenly, this blog post was born. These little musings often come to me this way, unexpected connections that reveal deeper truths.

(And yes, for those wondering, I do have a few spots available in my practice right now!)

The Boundaries We Draw

For my entire adult life – and especially in recent weeks – I've been contemplating boundaries. I help clients establish them every day in therapy sessions. There are countless ways to create boundaries, and many of my clients aren't initially clear about what constitutes one.

Sometimes, boundaries are internal. We all need to say "no" to the voices in our heads, hopefully in a kind, loving way. If Carly Simon were my client, perhaps we could have explored her feelings about being passed over for Joni Mitchell. We might have examined:

• The gratitude she could feel for her existing success

• The fear of not achieving the level of recognition she desired

• The reasons behind her need to express hurt feelings through song

When Wounds Become Habits

How long is too long to focus on old wounds? In my experience, it can take years in therapy to allow deep hurts to subside. Unresolved pain often transforms into anger – and as the saying goes, anger is just one letter short of danger.

Where does it get us when therapy sessions revolve around discussions of other people? It depends on how you approach it and for how long. Yes, I want to hear your story – I understand the profound longing to be heard! But to what end?

A skilled therapist will eventually turn you back toward yourself, helping you recognize your role in your own story. What can you change? What must you work toward releasing?

Writing Your Own Song

I hope that over time, Carly could release her anger. After all, what does someone else's vanity have to do with you? That's them, not you. As the song ironically points out – it's not about you.

The healthier approach? Look into the mirror without vanity and decide what you can change today. Consider the wisdom of the serenity prayer. Focus on yourself – you're the only one you have!

Write your own song.

Thanks for reading, and please share if you feel so inclined.

- Bridget

In expressive-arts Tags therapy, anxiety, relationships, Carly Simon, LMFT, vanity, mental health, expressive arts