Updating this blog in 2025 to use gender neutral pronouns since my kid is trans and I think /hope it will be inclusive and help us not make gendered assumptions.
I think we can be our kids' guides, not their rulers. We can’t always know what will "stick" so I choose to focus on my self-development and my ability to stand strong in the waves that raising a child can bring. I do believe that being a positive role model is one of the best things I can do. I deeply hope the next generation will keep striving for a better world and I think having social-emotional strength will be a big predictor of this success.
I want to remind myself and you of this kind of discipline, it's a personal path and I know it's not for everyone but I choose not to "put" my kid in time out *regularly* or punish. I AIM to not give rewards, threaten, nor take things away to "teach a lesson". One exception, the toys on the floor. UGH! I have done that, stay tuned for a blog on a clear consequence of the “cleaning” part of early childhood parenting. I don't believe in my heart of hearts that threatening, bribing, or yelling is how lessons are learned. When our kid was two I did use time outs at the most stress-filled times. So, there are some exceptions as with all techniques.
For instance, when the toddler plays instead of doing the bedtime routine and then the natural consequence is less reading time. I dislike it when that happens because I love to read and I mention this at the time. "Ut oh, I want to have enough time to read two whole books". Often just this gentle and honest reminder is enough to get them moving a bit more quickly. I will say this path is not easy. I end up processing a lot of my frustration with friends and their dad.
I use my therapy time to process my feelings about my kids feelings often. They worry they don’t have a talent. I am not sure where they got the idea they need "a" talent but nonetheless, it's there, the failure to add up (in their mind) at such an early age?! Dance their dad interjects, "dance!", hoping to help them feel better by reminding them of this pursuit.
I mention later maybe we could just keep following the path to see how they feel when they don’t think they have a talent. How do we feel when we don't think we are any good at anything!? Ugh, I have felt that before. I share this with them later.
I realize this whole interaction sounds pretty "therapist like" and yes I am a therapist so I guess that would make sense but I feel good about giving them these moments of exploration, these moments to be not ok because by walking through those moments with us our kids will come out the other side much stronger. They will know they can bring us the hard things. We are not going to slap some quick fix on their big feelings.
There are many more times I catch them feeling proud and I notice the big smile on their face and say something like, "you look proud of yourself".
Give yourself more moments where it does not all have to be ok and be ok with your kids not always being ok. Walking through pain instead of resisting it is a path toward less suffering.
Thoughts about this blog? Please email me, let’s be in this together.
Bridget
bridget@bridgetbertrand.com