“You’re so Vain”

When Coffee Rings and Carly Simon Collide: A Therapist's Musings

I am brushing off some old blogs from 2019!

There I was, watching the milk cloud my coffee, when Carly Simon's iconic lyrics drifted into my mind: "You're so vain, you probably think this song is about you." And just like that, I was transported back to my childhood, when this song first introduced me to the concept of irony.

The Song That Made My Mind "Hurt in a Good Way"

Supposedly, Carly Simon wrote "You're So Vain" about record label executive David Geffen, who, according to one article, promoted Joni Mitchell over Simon. Despite years of Simon coyly suggesting the song was about a conglomerate of lovers, this revelation points to a specific moment of professional disappointment.

As a child, I was fascinated by the clever wordplay: "I bet you think this song is about you" – when of course, the entire song was about someone! It was my first taste of irony, a delicious contradiction that made my mind stretch in new ways.

I vividly imagined the milk clouding coffee, despite never having seen my non-coffee-drinking parents perform this ritual. The lyrics painted such a vivid picture that I could see it all unfold in my imagination:

"You walked into the party like you were walking onto a yacht
Your hat strategically dipped below one eye
Your scarf it was apricot
You had one eye in the mirror as you watched yourself gavotte
And all the girls dreamed that they'd be your partner"

From Coffee Rings to Deep Thoughts

Today, after finishing my coffee, I decided to paint around the ring it left in my art journal – and suddenly, this blog post was born. These little musings often come to me this way, unexpected connections that reveal deeper truths.

(And yes, for those wondering, I do have a few spots available in my practice right now!)

The Boundaries We Draw

For my entire adult life – and especially in recent weeks – I've been contemplating boundaries. I help clients establish them every day in therapy sessions. There are countless ways to create boundaries, and many of my clients aren't initially clear about what constitutes one.

Sometimes, boundaries are internal. We all need to say "no" to the voices in our heads, hopefully in a kind, loving way. If Carly Simon were my client, perhaps we could have explored her feelings about being passed over for Joni Mitchell. We might have examined:

• The gratitude she could feel for her existing success

• The fear of not achieving the level of recognition she desired

• The reasons behind her need to express hurt feelings through song

When Wounds Become Habits

How long is too long to focus on old wounds? In my experience, it can take years in therapy to allow deep hurts to subside. Unresolved pain often transforms into anger – and as the saying goes, anger is just one letter short of danger.

Where does it get us when therapy sessions revolve around discussions of other people? It depends on how you approach it and for how long. Yes, I want to hear your story – I understand the profound longing to be heard! But to what end?

A skilled therapist will eventually turn you back toward yourself, helping you recognize your role in your own story. What can you change? What must you work toward releasing?

Writing Your Own Song

I hope that over time, Carly could release her anger. After all, what does someone else's vanity have to do with you? That's them, not you. As the song ironically points out – it's not about you.

The healthier approach? Look into the mirror without vanity and decide what you can change today. Consider the wisdom of the serenity prayer. Focus on yourself – you're the only one you have!

Write your own song.

Thanks for reading, and please share if you feel so inclined.

- Bridget

Acceptance

Some memories from 2019 (!) that still ring true today:

My big adventure this year has been traveling back to New York City and visiting Georgia—a beautiful mirror of the different regions where I've lived my life (north/south). I hope you're finding some time for your own adventures this summer too!

Finding My Path Forward

Lately, I've been contemplating how to grow my business and truly embody this full-time private practice life. Writing has been on my mind quite a bit. There's a part of me that has always wished I could be a writer—you know, "a room of one's own" and all that.

Perhaps it was listening to Elizabeth Gilbert and seeing her speak earlier this year. She's so remarkably composed and well-spoken, AND she writes for a living. Could I do that? Could I transform these blog posts into something truly helpful? We shall see, but for now, here's a start—a little story from your colleague/therapist/future therapist.

My Journey: From Theater to Therapy

I graduated from college with a degree in theatre, education, and no job. College had been a profound time of self-exploration, but afterward, I found myself working at a bar in my small hometown. It quickly became clear that I needed to figure out my next step sooner rather than later.

When the call came asking if I wanted to share a house in New York City with two guys I knew and one I didn't, I jumped at the opportunity. My parents are pretty amazing—thinking back on it years later, I realize they didn't have to support that decision, but they did!

Living in Brooklyn was a dream come true! I worked hard, took acting classes, and performed in a few plays. The most important lesson I learned is that while I am independent, I have always had help. I've had the privilege of growing up in a safe town with enough food to eat and a loving family.

Despite struggling in school, with writing, and with communication, I found my path. I wrote my first monologue, then a short one-woman show, and eventually performed with a dance theatre troupe. I wouldn't trade these experiences for any other path.

Embracing the Journey—Mistakes and All

Recently, my child asked what mistake I would change if I could. Honestly, I couldn't settle on just one. Sure, I wish I hadn't hurt people (even inadvertently). I wish I had stood up for folks who faced discrimination in my hometown.

But when I take inventory of my life, there isn't a huge choice I regret enough to change. Why am I sharing this "accept everything happens for a reason" message today? I believe my own therapy has helped me embrace this truth (most days). Therapy continues to help me come to terms with this fact of life: every mistake, every moment, is an opportunity to learn.

My Approach to Therapy

When you work with me, you'll find that I tackle your challenges with the same philosophy I apply to my own life. We're here to learn and to be in relationships. I believe there is inherent good in all of us.

Though I didn't become an actor, I can help you process emotions, the deep work actors engage in daily. I especially enjoy helping people in transition and can also support folks with parenting challenges. (Check out my last blog about expressive arts if you haven't already!)

Let's Connect

I'm available for sessions most days in person and online.

Whether you need individual therapy, a group session, or a day-long workshop for your workplace, I'd love to help. While I don't see couples, I can provide additional support for individuals engaged in couples therapy.

Let's try to find some time to connect or reconnect soon.

Thanks for reading!

Warmly,
Bridget

Neuroscience talk by Francine Lapides, LMFT

Working Implicitly in Psychotherapy: Neuroscience Insights from Francine Lapides

On November 13th, 2015, SCV-CAMFT (a group of Bay Area therapists) gathered for a wonderful lunch and an exceptionally thoughtful presentation by Francine Lapides, LMFT. If you're just learning about Ms. Lapides, as I was in November, I highly recommend seeking out training with her—or perhaps therapy if you're in the Santa Cruz area. She has an upcoming training group in the new year focused on psychoneurology, designed to help therapists deeply explore how understanding the brain can enhance therapeutic practice. I am updating this blog in 2025.

One might call Francine our local Dan Siegel. She has studied with him for years and has been part of Allan Schore's Berkeley study group. A licensed MFT since 1974, she's a decades-long member of SCV-CAMFT and maintains a private practice in San Jose and Santa Cruz, California.

The Neuroscience of Early Development

In her presentation, "Working Implicitly in Psychotherapy: What Decades of Neuroscience Study Has Taught Me About Being a Psychotherapist," Ms. Lapides began by reminding us that infants are primarily right-brained, with this right brain development continuing through the first two to three years of life. Attachment templates are stored in the right brain—a critical insight that leads to an important takeaway: to heal trauma, we must address both unconscious and conscious areas of the brain.

As therapists, we witness firsthand how early traumas shape a person. Some traumas foster resiliency while others leave us more rigid. Francine guided us through fundamental neuroscience concepts during the first portion of her talk. This segment served as our "infancy" in neuroscience (for those without prior knowledge), and even for those familiar with the subject, her presentation offered an excellent review.

She shared Winnicott's profound quote: "There is no such thing as a baby... if you set out to describe a baby, you will find you are describing a baby and someone" (Winnicott, 1947). This highlights how the relationship heals because we are inherently relational beings. We can help our clients make meaning of early trauma, and this healing—rooted in the physiology of neuroscience—is more effective when approached from the bottom up (from body to head).

The limbic system and attachment theory dominated her discussion. As stated in Mrs. Lapides' slides: "Early life experiences create potent affective 'knowing' in implicit, non-verbal, unconscious memory which underlie and have a profound influence on personality, dominate mood, symptoms and relationships throughout life."

Experiential Learning in Action

As we transitioned to the second section of the talk, Mrs. Lapides invited someone to come to the front of the room and summarize what they had just learned about neuroscience. The room fell silent. We all sat as though glued to our seats. She allowed the perfect amount of silence to unfold before joking that she was merely getting our heart rates up so we could feel our prefrontal cortex at work.

As many therapists know, the prefrontal cortex helps regulate emotion. Francine's "experiment" was perfectly orchestrated as a process experiential learning exercise. We had absorbed the basics of neuroscience, were asked to present it publicly, and then—upon discovering we didn't actually have to—experienced the process of re-regulation.

This mirrors the therapeutic process where, week after week, we invite our clients to talk, draw, or move through their trauma. They might initially decline, but as the relationship and trust grows, we can begin to help them heal. This ability to manage activation helps clients access their unconscious beliefs.

Implicit Relational Schemas

There are, as Francine shared, "implicit relational schemas" or unconscious beliefs that all of us hold. For example, we may unconsciously believe that, "If I try to perform and fail, people will think less of me." These are precisely the thoughts and feelings we aim to address in therapy.

The question of how this can be done while integrating neuroscience will be explored in the intensive study group Francine will offer. She'll address clinical skills including: "trusting your intuition, somatic transference, intimacy and self-disclosure, rupture and repair," and much more. I wish I lived closer to Santa Cruz! This group will undoubtedly be valuable.

Right-Brain Approaches to Therapy

Francine noted, "While the overwhelming bias in western psychotherapy has been a top-down, primarily left-brain model of conscious and verbal attempts at change, neuroscience is increasingly confirming that we must work in this right-brain, unconscious, body-based arena as well."

When discussing the "bottom-up" approach to working with clients, she mentioned poetry because of its right-brain connection. She highlighted prosody—"the patterns of rhythm and sound used in poetry" according to Webster's online dictionary. Using poetry or other right-brain activities with our clients can help them access and heal their trauma.

I found the interventions Francine offered at the end of her talk particularly helpful. Instead of asking left-brained questions, we can shift statements to create more of a right-brain experience:

• Instead of: "Your father's anger was uncontrolled and made you feel unsafe"
  Try: "When your father exploded in rage, you felt terrified and small."

• Instead of: "It will be important for you to know I'm here"
  Try: "Can you look at me, can you feel me here with you?"

If you attended the luncheon, you heard Francine's calm, seasoned voice. It was healing in a room of almost 100 colleagues. I hope you get a sense of her approach from this description.

For more information: www.francinelapides.com

And in case you are not familiar, this is Dan’s website:

https://drdansiegel.com/