Parenting

It’s amazing how much parenting is talked about, written about, and stressed over.  My understanding in the last eight years of parenting (since the birth of our daughter) and the twenty before (working with kids as a teacher) has undergone many shifts.  I hope some of these insights might help you come to terms with your parenting and maybe make a shift that could benefit your family.  When we take this time to understand our parenting and why we do what we do I think we get a chance to more deeply understand ourselves.  Happy exploring!

Many of us just had Monday off.  Labor Day was first celebrated on September 5th, 1882.   The Fair Labor Standards Act came much later in 1938.  This act assures that when young people work that the work is safe (dol.gov).  It was less than a century ago the main job of a parent was to keep the arms of their children from being caught in machinery (as if they could even control that, since they were not with their child at the time).  Our worries over  “helicopter parenting,” feeding our children only organic food, and making sure they are able to get into the “right” college beginning in preschool are a far cry from the worries of parents 100 years ago in the U.S.  Of course, there are still children in our world that are not safe, yet on a whole the trend is toward letting children have their childhood.

The psychologists that created the foundation of Positive Discipline (Dreikurs and Adler) worked around the turn of the century and understood the plight families faced.  If we delve into the difference between sending a kid to a factory and sending a kid to school, we see our parenting approaches have to make huge shifts.  I used to wrestle more with these shifts.  When we parent from a democratic and positive stance it’s not always pretty.  Why can’t I get my child to “behave”?  Why does she tantrum in public?  Why does he talk back at home?  Why can’t I control this kid?  I think to myself "I would have never acted like this".  Why?  In part because my parents came out of depression era families, in part because I lived in a authoritarian culture. 

This shift is a slow one and I think our generation has a real opportunity to make a change.  While there are so many ways to redirect these unwanted behaviors, more and more I think it’s positive that we let children have their emotions.  Let go of the control and let them be.  This does not mean we let the limits go.  There are rules and we must show and teach children how to be a part of society.  As our world has evolved so has our focus with how to guide children though childhood.   Of course there are different ways of parenting and your house is just that, your house, yet I see this shift toward a more positive and disciplined approach to be just that...positive! 

How does this related to what you do right now?  First, if you are already on the path toward a more democratic form of parenting and you are feeling under supported in your peer group you are not alone.  I find this all the time.  In our house we aim not punish or reward.  We deal with misbehavior and treat it as and “misguided behavior”.  We look at the belief behind the behavior.  See my linked resource of the “Mistaken Goal Chart”.  My husband had gotten increasingly good at this, which at times can frustrate me, as a most devoted advocate of positive discipline.  Sometimes, when our daughter misbehaves, I do want to hurt back because I feel hurt, yet that is not the most skillful adult choice.

So what do we do? #1 we have a weekly family meeting.  We have been doing this on and off for four years and I can say it’s made a huge difference.  See more guidelines at this link.  #2 we talk a LOT:  What happened today?  What were the highs and the lows?  Oh, you seem quite upset right now maybe we all need to have some time to relax.  #3 we try not over schedule (for the most part).  We respect that our kid needs a lot of down time “just” to do Legos.  I am very inspired by blog posts and parents who also walk this path like Rachel Macy Stafford, Dr. Laura Markhman and  Glennon Doyle Melton.  In short I reach out for help on the Internet or with my friends.  If you want to deepen your parenting goals reach out.  If you have a question for me reach out.  Or if you are so inclined to pass this blog along to a friend I would appreciate your support.  And lastly something to say to our selves from Rachel Macy Stafford: 

“Be kind to yourself.  You are doing the best you can”.

Managing BIG Emotions

Emotions: the invisible and yet powerful experiences we all have.  What is an emotion?  Merriam-Webster calls it an “...affective aspect of consciousness, a state of feeling, a conscious mental reaction (as anger or fear) subjectively experienced as strong feeling usually directed toward a specific object and typically accompanied by physiological and behavioral changes in the body”.  Phew…that is kind of a workout just to read.  Even if you are a little taxed just thinking of emotions, I want to inspire you to keep reading AND keep listening to your emotions.  

We all have our emotions and our emotional blow ups.  When kids blow up you will not always understand where it came from.  Are they sick?  Tired?  Hungry?  Maybe they are just out to get us?  (I’m kidding, kind of. ) Then cue the parent doubt and anger:  Am I am being to harsh?  Too soft?  Why won’t your child listen?  Why is your child screaming / talking back again?  Or maybe you don’t question it and you just want any and all push-back to stop.  That is understandable. Yet here are our kids, ready willing and able to push our buttons because that is how development happens. 

Emotions and thoughts are so intermingled. All we want (I imagine) is a more peaceful house.  Let’s pretend you have just had one of “those” mornings.  How do we slow down and process some of what is happening in the moment?  What if we got down on the same physical level with our kids and say something like, “I wonder what is happening for you right now?” Then listen and try hard not to fix the situation or change it.  We just let the kid be where the kid is.  This process is teaching self-discipline and the self-refection process of “mindsight”.  One of my favorite websites for families, kidsinthehouse.com, has several videos by Dr. Daniel J. Siegel  who expertly guides parents in teaching children about emotional and social intuition.  You can watch this short one minute video by clicking this link .

To see into the mind is what Dr. Siegel calls mindsight.  Dr. Siegel says, “Take a moment to learn about the internal world of your self and your child."  In a similar vein, Dr. Jane Nelson and Lynn Lott, LMFT, of Positive Discipline are very often asking these same questions of parents.  They ask, “What were you thinking, feeling and deciding?” as this difficult event was happening?  In Positive Discipline classes and talks I often ask that of the parent as they role play being their child.  The more you practice this process of inquiry with yourself and your kids in the moment the more it will begin to happen almost without your thinking of it.  Mindsight can become more of an automatic way to live (with practice).  I have been fortunate to have the opportunity to speak to groups of parents in my community lately (see the link to upcoming talks here).  What I’ve heard shared are issues of disconnection, kids not listening, and much more.  I say this to help you know you are not alone. 

Though I think half the path is getting support with the challenging parts of parenting, I always try to give folks some tools to use. There is not a “cure all” for any household struggle. Big emotions are not going to totally go away (I know, it's a harsh reality).  Here is a list of ideas that tries to connect getting to know yourself, your kid(s), and being insightful about your whole family experience. 

• These are from positivediscipline.org with a little tweak here and there from me:
• Involve your child in a useful task to gain useful attention
• Say what you will do as a parent, "I love you and I need you to ___ (fill in the blank)”
• Avoid saying "Do you want to?  or “Can you do ____(this task)?” 
• Avoid special services (putting on shoes or dressing kids that can do it themselves)
• Say it only once and then act.  “I will serve you dinner when the table is set.”
• Have faith in child to deal with feelings (don't fix or rescue)
• Say, “You feel very angry.” (The end, no more talking.)
• Take time for yourself so you can sort out your feelings and project less onto others.
• Plan special time (every week) or 10 minutes a day. 
• Set up routines. Instead of nagging, point to the routine, as in, "The routine says it's time to do homework now."
• Engage child in problem-solving.  Ask, “How do you see this going better?”
• Use family meetings every week. Write the agenda down and follow up
• Ignore the behavior (don’t engage with words)and instead use touch
• Set up nonverbal signals.  “When I point at my watch it’s time to go.”
• Lastly, send me an email with any comments or ideas you would like to see here.

Wishing you happy peaceful parenting!

Bridget

bridget@bridgetbertrand.com

Change Talk

I have been thinking a lot about change lately.  For me change happens moment to moment.  I don’t look at therapy as a means to one end.  Some moments I find life to be overwhelming.  The next moment I feel so deeply happy.  I rest in knowing that what is unfolding is what I have wanted all along.  When this is not your experience how to you keep moving?  During these ups and downs can we change?  I think we can.  I find change, growth and development  to be deeply rooted in how we relate to the moment.  In my twenties I don’t think I even heard the voice that said, “do more”, “be more”, “work harder” and most harshly “you are not enough!”.  OUCH!  I think we have all done this to ourselves at some point.  So for me personally, the change came through encouraging that voice in a different direction.  First, I had to slow down and listen, I still use this practice daily.  Recently someone posed a question to ask our clients and ourselves: "What would you say to your younger self?"  My answer, “I love you”. 

Changing the inner monologue has to do with our outer choices too.  How do I allow and encourage self care and personal development to happen?  The answer is (at least for me) it’s a process.  I know, at times, I am tired of hearing about process and I want results.  However, the nature of change is continually unfolding.  We therapists have to walk the walk and I have some insights to share.  #1 we must try harder be kind to ourselves.  When we shame, blame, and condemn ourselves for not doing enough let’s face it, that is likely not going to get us motivated.  Of course you could say, "actually it does motivate me Bridget!"  If this is you, continue on that path (and write me with examples).  I do think there are exceptions but I have not found this to be  true for me.  I have found allowing our mistakes to land in front of us, see them for what they are (simply mistakes) and walking on by is a humbling growing up experience.  Development happens in lurches and fits.  I have seen this for some number of years in children and since they are after all human beings I have come to believe that it keeps on going on that way for adults too.  Development / change / growth can happen quickly and slowly it’s the process of allowing change that is the most powerful part.  I welcome your feedback @ bridget.therapy@gmail.com